


even landlocked lovers yearn

by cathect



Series: silk sheets and diamonds [3]
Category: IT (2017)
Genre: Ben's POV, Drabble, M/M, angsty thoughts during sex lol, is this actual angst? maybe., set at some unknown time in the series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-10 09:41:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14734566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cathect/pseuds/cathect
Summary: -Ben knows he doesn’t deserve this.-





	even landlocked lovers yearn

**Author's Note:**

> when is this set in the timeline? lord knows i have no idea, lmao. just like put it wherever you want in your mind, i guess.
> 
> thank you to erin for always beta'ing and editing my shit! i love you so dearly.

Ben knows he doesn’t deserve this.

Eddie moans and gasps and sighs underneath him, and Ben is positive that he’s never seen anything or anyone more beautiful in his life. Eddie’s cheeks are pink and his hair, grown out as it is, fans out over the pillowcase where it’s not sticking against his sweaty skin.

Ben can’t help but lean in and kiss him.

It’s soft and loving, so different than the way Ben’s hips slam forward into Eddie’s. The sound of skin coming together over and over again is loud and obscene and it almost drowns out the quiet, sweet moans spilling from Eddie’s lips. Ben wants nothing more than to slow down, to savor taking Eddie apart. But that’s not what Eddie wants tonight, and Ben loves, more than anything in the world, to give Eddie what he wants.

Eddie cries out Ben’s name, and Ben is _positive_ that he’s so unworthy.

He doesn’t deserve Eddie’s love and vulnerability. He doesn’t deserve the way that Eddie looks at him, half-lidded and lashes fluttering. He doesn’t deserve the way that Eddie wraps a hand around the back of his neck and hauls him in for another kiss like he needs it to breathe.

Ben’s got a lifetime of mistakes behind _and_ ahead of him. He’s got crime stacked upon crime under his belt and so much blood on his hands that he’s sure they’ll never be clean. He’s taken more than he’s ever been owed in this world, just because he can, and he’s never once stopped to think that maybe it’s enough.

But, as Ben watches Eddie’s body shake through his orgasm, he thinks that maybe it _is_ enough. Maybe it’s enough to be able to give Eddie anything in the world he wants. And not just when it comes to sex, but everything else too. Clothes and diamonds and silk sheets in five star hotels around the world. And more love than any one person can feasibly hold in their body on top of it all.

Maybe he can be forgiven for anything he does from here on out, as long as he knows that it’s for the angel underneath him. For Eddie.

Eddie melts into the mattress, still twitching through the aftershocks, and it doesn’t take long before Ben follows. Eddie moans at the feeling of Ben spilling into him, and tugs him closer with the leg that’s wrapped around him like all he wants is _more_ and _closer_. Ben happily gives him what he wants, as always, and stills his movements so he’s pressed deep inside him.

“I love you,” Ben says. His voice is watery and Eddie’s brows furrow in concern as he opens his eyes. “I love you so much, Eddie.”

“Ben.” Eddie reaches up and his thumbs smooth under Ben’s eyes, wiping away tears before they can fall down his cheeks.

He doesn’t ask what’s wrong, and Ben is grateful. That’s another thing he doesn’t deserve, he thinks. The way Eddie always seems to know when to ask, or what to say. He’s always had that ability with Ben. Even now, his eyes are communicating everything that Ben could ever need to hear.

“I love you too,” is the only thing he says out loud.

Eddie’s eyes finish the conversation and Ben has to blink back another onslaught of tears as he gently pulls out. Eddie whines softly with the loss and, somehow, Ben thinks he feels the emptiness too. A different kind, maybe, but his body aches with it as Eddie gets out of bed on shaky legs and heads for the bathroom.

Ben tells himself that he should get up and clean himself off too. He should be helping wipe Eddie down, should be whispering dirty comments in Eddie’s ear as he drags a washcloth over his sensitive skin. He should be drinking in Eddie’s giggles like a man dying of thirst, but he’s too focused on the way his skin is crawling from the distance between them.

It’s not fair, he thinks, the way he’s become so attached. When they’re apart, it’s like a rubber band stretched too thin, and reuniting always feels like snapping it back into place. Ben fears for a day that Eddie realizes he deserves more, a day that the band snaps and leaves Ben broken in the process. But he knows it won’t come, and that almost scares him more.

“Ben.” His name is the only warning Eddie gives before a wet washcloth smacks Ben in the face. He peels it off and shoots Eddie a playful and monumentally unconvincing glare as he wipes himself down with it.

“Thanks, baby,” he says and tosses it towards the bathroom door.

“Mhmm.”

Eddie waits until Ben is lying down again to scramble under the covers and curl into his chest. He’s warm and pliant as Ben maneuvers them into a more comfortable position, tangles their legs together and presses his face into Eddie’s neck.

“I love you,” Eddie sighs. It’s gentle and quiet and so fucking sincere that Ben feels his stomach tie in knots like he’s sixteen again.

“I love you more,” Ben says, and means it.

Ben doesn’t deserve this either. He doesn’t deserve to fall asleep next to the person he loves more than anything else in the universe. He doesn’t deserve to be the person that holds Eddie in the night and wakes up next to his smiling face every single day. He doesn’t deserve to have his whole world right there in his arms.

He doesn’t deserve it, but maybe, for some reason that Ben is sure he’ll never understand, that’s okay.

**Author's Note:**

> come visit me on tumblr @devilstrip!


End file.
